Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
