We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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