My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
