i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
