There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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