i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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