I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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