I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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