There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
