dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
