I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
