By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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