my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
