phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
