sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
