yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
