I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
