What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
