What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
