one might say we're banned from that church
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
