OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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