If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I deserve this hangover.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
