I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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