I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
