I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
