9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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