Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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