i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
In other news, I just burned my penis
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
