he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
