Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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