Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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