just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
