i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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