I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
