no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
