The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
