The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
