the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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