Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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