i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
