your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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