I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
