he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
