guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
