so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
