this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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