I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
