I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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