I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
