it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
