I haven't been this sober since birth.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
