this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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