i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
is it fun? or sober?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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